.... well not quite, but it was nice to hear about.



Today I talked to my BFF about a lot, about life and stuff. It was really nice, and it made me miss our high school days for a brief second when we could talk about these things a lot more. I get frustrated that she and I don't speak often and I feel out of touch with a lot that's going on with her... Today changed my feelings about that though. Best friends are those friends that can be friends even when you live on opposite ends of the world and talk every now and then. It's hard to be close with someone who is not in your immediate circle of life, but you have to make it a priority to stay connected.

I have an interesting situation right now, but only interesting because I know it's not negative but I'm trying to figure out if it is as positive as I think it could be. Thinking too hard only gets you tangled up though, so I'll flow with this.

I was upset that my housing job did not permit me to leave town this weekend because of the miami game causing me to miss my homecoming in ATL. Then when I was at the miami game today I learned that GT history was made today when Lauren and Luqman, two African American students were named homecoming King and Queen. Whaaaat? I missed that. This is an irrevocable moment missed and I was NOT there. Being an adult sucks. I hate being told that I can not do something. Rest assured, I will NOT miss my homecoming next year because of a work issue... even though I'm sure that GT won't let this year's homecoming court outcome occur again for another 100+ years. Oh well, success is not without sacrifice.

And the chicken was in the marinade by noon
preparing to become something beautiful

You were singing, not quite cherubic but still sweetly.
I slipped into the room minutes late
with a pace that said I was aware of it.

Then the uneasiness came
as I stood there swaying, swaying
and thinking, thinking
(I'm always thinking)
No comfort came and I prayed
"God is this where you want me?
If you want me here I'll stay.
I'll keep coming,and ignore
the discomfort."

The uneasiness never left
and my mind there stewing
"If not here, then where?
Where else could I try? I
hate being misplaced."

Pastor answered my question.
I cannot now tell you
what he said that yeilded
this clarification,
but the point was clear:

I was setting myself up
to be a repeat offender,
backtracking through a lesson
I thought I had already learned.
Unacceptable.

And when we were done,
after my round motion "hiya" hand wave
(usually used for hellos)
I left with a gait that said,
"I haven't found it yet," flashing
empty goodbye, have-a-blessed-week smiles,
certain that a return would be just a visit.

I'm packing up my tent and heading elsewhere
to find another church home on earth. Home like my Destiny.
There was home, and I took it for granted,
but now, without the option of going, I'm homesick.

And where to now?...

It's been so long since I've written I feel backed up. Unfortunately, I feel like I have lost much of what I had decided to say long ago. I spend so much time by myself and with my own thoughts that I work out plenty of ideas and situations in my mind but I forget to write them down... and then I forget them. For the past 3 days I've gone run-walking around campus. It's a turn of a new leaf for me, exercising and such. I have 10x the energy and I feel great. I think people can tell. Exercising has definitely been time for me to think a lot about stuff... I guess you could say the rest of this entry are things that I've thought about during my quiet (most of the time) times.

Why do I walk alone? Because I can, because no one desires to walk with me. On the surface, this is a direct response to people upset with me for walking at night (Its ok. I know y'all love me. I promise I pass a lot of police and other folk when I go), but metaphorically this about where I am in my personal life. The guy that does want to be with me hasn't found me or doesn't know it yet. Because God sees fit, I'm still in a season of being alone. It's just that, now, I choose not to be lonely. When my phone doesn't ring I barely notice now. The idea of it forever being just me and God is not so scary now. I just don't like when people are like, no, don't go there or do that by yourself. People act as if I have this great blooming social life. Even in Atlanta if I waited around to go somewhere I wanted to go with someone if I didn't take it upon myself to go alone, if necessary, it wasn't happening. I'm through with relying on others for the steps I'm taking. If I want to do it and I feel ok about by myself, then I will. God hasn't seen fit to give me a 24/7 companion other than Jesus (great companion, by the way) so I'm not counting on that. Life is too short for me to wait around for people to be there. People WILL be there at times, yes, but I like being myself and not asking for the permission to be just that. So when I decide I'm going to make moves please appreciate what I'm trying to do and maybe send up a prayer for me. Know that I love you though.

Rumor mill... Daily I'm learning bit by bit just how much people talk about each other's business. I don't want to be apart of it, but I know that I participate by listening. I need to stop that too. They will probably never get to know much about me. I don't want my life to be the topic of their discussion. The less they know (or think they know), the better. I guess that's part of why I'm quiet, I think so much in my personal time that maybe I don't have a lot of surfacey things to say, and maybe I just refuse to let people in. No, that's not it. I let people in, it's just that I'm not trusting. If I've ever confided in you about anything, don't take it for granted, because I don't just do that.

Significant other person... He doesn't exist... or does he? I'm really in some kind of God-induced time out here. Sometimes I want to laugh at His sense of humor, but other times I resent Him for having me out here like this. I can't be mad though. He's challenging me to focus on Him and not the absence of the guy... and not on the guy that I think is him. Perspective is a trip. I'm glad I've moved beyond Crystal v20 and v21 onto v23. I like v23, but I know that v24 will be even better if I continue to draw closer to God and buy into what He seems to be doing with me. I still feel like we'll spar on the "Mr. Right" issue, but I'll roll with the punches and grow from it. I've learned so much. I wouldn't give up the past 2+ years with/as myself for anything... even though some points really did suck at times, and definitely still do... taking myself to movies and dinners.... or going to such places with sub par guys who are a waste of my freaking time and effort. I'm so done with that, as I mentioned in the previous entry. That's why I put back on my purity ring, my please-don't-talk-to-me- because-i-got-this-ring-on, Oh-my-gosh-do-you-see-how-small-this-freaking-diamond-is- and-you-really-think-I'm-engaged?!-come-ON-now, please-don't-waste-my-time, antique white gold purity ring. :)

I think I've said enough.... lol.

So, I walked across Tallahassee (not really) from my apartment to CVS in the misty rain early this afternoon, wearing my red t-shirt with the Japanese design and the Kanji Character for "Love" that I was wearing when I got my first tattoos... yeah so too much information, I know.

Anyways...

At the beginning of my walk I saw a familiar face and then I had to have a conversation with myself about rather or not to stop, but I figured I'd make myself friendly. Too often I walk past people I "know" without saying hi (when they're not looking) because I feel like there's no point. I'm like, why do they want to be bothered with me? They're busy, etc. Excuses. I run away from letting people get to know me unless they are in my immediate circle. Not surprisingly, I have let a couple of people into my inner bubble since I've been here and that has added comfort to the large-scale incomfortability I experience day in and day out here. The fellowship piece is missing and my extracurricular/recreational piece is SCREAMING. I'm tired of going out and doing stuff I don't feel like doing and not having fun but going out because I'm tired of sitting in my apartment alone. i thank God for the resources he's presented me with here that have the potential to expand into well-rooted friendships. Without them, I might have considered getting an application together to transfer. No, I like FSU, I promise. I also promise you, though, that without a social/spiritual support system out here life means nothing to me and all I'd do from day to day would just be performing my daily tasks and necessary duties like a robot, counting down the days until graduation as if I'm in a cell. I can't talk much more about that piece of what I deal with, though, because of how it could be perceived. My experience and how it could be made better is something I'm going to research one day when I'm working on my doctorate.

So... as I was walking I wasn't thinking about that, or about how sticky my skin was and how my clothes were sticking... I was pondering the whole concept of shopping for a church, then about how I was urging my friend yesterday to not expect perfection, but to expect a congregation and pastor to be doing the best they can. Then I went back to my initial strong reaction of the church I visited last week and the idea of another try sounds reasonable. A lot of people probably don't care much for me the first few times interacting with me, but I appreciate their patience. My dad didn't like my Atlanta church when he went that one time, but it was where I needed to be. So, I'll try it again a time or two more. I need to be in a situation where I'm going to church and people expect me to be there so much to the point where they call me on a Sunday I didn't show up like, "Um... where were you Miss Thang." How long must I live without accountability?

It's not even about a "special someone" anymore. It can't even be about that. I'm not lonely. I'm just frustrated with sub par people. Every guy I meet right now that appears to be pursuing me, I've learned, is a potential waste of my freaking time. I don't have time to waste. I really don't, especially when no one is talking about ANYTHING. I refuse to have my time be wasted in that way any further. I'm shifting my paradigm... just making friends with guys I come into contact with. No 'dates' or empty promises or void statements. None of that crap. Anyone unwilling to be my friend from jump is going to be a waste of time. I'm glad I've figured that out.

On a lighter note... um, this week has been way better than any other week I've had in Tallahassee and I've been here since July 13. It was all God. I've put more effort into acknowledging Him and asking Him for guidance this week and just sharing my life with Him. Funny how easy it can be to do that when He's all you have. :o)

I'm flipping out right now. i really feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm spinning out of control. My body doesn't feel right. I feel so gone. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I can't eat. I'm bursting with things to say, and things that I want to do but they're all worthless. Everything feels worthless right now. I don't know if I want to be right here or over there. I've never felt like this before, but that makes sense because I've never been at this place in my life before with so much crap going on that I feel like I'm suffocating and Lord knows I've complicated my life for myself. What was I thinking?

{I deleted the portion that was here because it was too self-disclosing. If you really must read it, contact me}

Most of all I limit myself, well not anymore. Florida is a breakthrough and I gotta flow with this, get into this Jesus thing. He's all I have right now, besides my family. He's all I'll have when I'm in Florida, the only way I'll make it and keep it together. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now, but at the same time God I see it coming. I feel it. I think I'm more prone to homesickness than I would like to have admitted before today, but I can do this. I can get through this. I'll be ok, if I don't lose sight of Who's got me, and Who's looking after me. I'm just hoping I can plug back in like I need to, and plug in like I need to when I get there. I can't do this run away from God stuff anymore. It's not me. My heart's too weak. I can't do this by myself or with everyone else. I'll do stupid stuff and then flip the heck out like right now, this moment. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my eyes are puffy and red from crying.


Lord, I need You. I can't do this by myself. I'm sorry for trying to do it alone anyway.

In Ecclesiastes, the bible speaks of seasons "A Time for Everything" : "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven"- Ecclesiastes 3:1

As I consider the past couple of years of my life in terms of seasons I can see that there have been seasons of sadness, discontentment, searching, loss, lonliness, silence, bewilderment, stagnance, boredom, hopelessness. It's comforting to look back upon these and see that they've past for now. Inevitably I will experience some of these seasons again, and maybe even soon than I think, but with new perspective and acceptance.

It occured to me recently that I'm going through the opposite of lonliness right now. I'm never alone recently, but now might be a time where I need to be, since I'm moving far away and I need to process that. Knowing me, I'll simply process it when I get there. Why think about it now? How could it help? On the one hand I've been bored because my work situation is predictable and I seem to be in a weekly rut in terms of the things I do, but I'm finding myself faced with these opportunities to do things and be places with people I always chill with but also with those I hadn't previously considered. In a way I'm like "what happened?" Back then, didn't want me... now I'm leaving, they all on me. I do find this all quite amusing and entertaining so I promise I'm not complaining.

With what I just said, I'm not talking only about guys... but I'm getting into that now. Real talk: Genuine guys don't approach me usually. I get stuck with the triflin, less-than-stand-up, backboneless, disappearing, roundabout, ambitionless, mindless dudes. But now... things are looking kinda nice, well maybe not quite nice yet, but better, on the up and up.


There is hope.

Just like not dating anyone can make a person feel crappy and hopeless, so can dating the wrong person. It gets to where you think, "Wow, is my situation really this fucked up? Did it have to come to this?" No one should ever settle, because settling just makes you feel like a loser... worse than being eternally alone. You should never force something to fit that doesn't. I don't know how my life came to this. I'm not where I want to be in any dimension of my life. At this point, I'm not sure that happiness is even possible. I'm refusing to believe in it.

I'm sure that this is where one of my faults lie, but I readily trust people. With me trust is more like, you're cool until proven unworthy. That's how someone I know for two seconds can quickly get on my badside. I don't allow much time for a genuine foundation of trust. Well, I learned my lesson on that, and in order to guard my heart better, I've taken to not trusting guys farther than I can throw them... at least initially. I'm cool, I just don't see the point in being all open and vulnerable upfront anymore. It's a dangerous undertaking to trust, put your hope in, or rest in someone so quickly. It's quite unwise, and not what God's wants for us. I had to learn that the hard way, and I lost a friend in the process. In my heart, that relationship is in ICU because I ask God, "How do I trust and foster a friendship with someone who, for all intents and purposes, squandered that trust?" I was at fault for going about things the way they did, and that person panicked... but my heart read that more as disappearance, abandonment and disregardment. If you want to push one of my buttons, that's probably the big, red "Don't touch" button. Those three things are at the root of one of the things that gets to my heart most as a vulnerable human. They make me shut down on a person. Now I can't tell you why that resounds so much with me, I'm guessing somewhere in my childhood experiences I felt like someone turned their back on me. Hell, maybe I repressed it. I'm not sure. All I know is that I really don't cope well with being left hanging. You could accuse me of beating around the bush on some things, but when people's hearts are involved I try to make sure I'm straightforward and say what needs to be said. There's too much that comes with the open-endedness of being 'deserted', for lack of a better word. You have to figure out what the hell happened, what the hell is wrong with you and then what is wrong with that person that they couldn't be up front with you. I consider myself to be a fairly understanding, mostly calm person but I guess sometimes I'm viewed as domineering and threatening maybe? I do feel things deeply, but I'm not necessarily apt to blow up on someone; I don't have a bad temper. Still, I guesssss I could see how someone might freak out and back down... For that, I am sorry, I'm ready and willing to forgive. With sincere, bonafide, God-given forgiveness restored, trust will also come.

So, no, I'm not excited at all to be 23 but I'm obliged to thank God that I've made it thus far almost in one piece... I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm trying to focus on it... but it would be the jolly, happy all the time Christian-facade if I sat up here and told you that I felt like things were lovely. It's a good thing that we can't rely on feelings to tell if God is real. Let me tell you what He's been doing in my life recently, overtly...

So, you might know that I'm at Georgia State in a School Psychology Master's/Ed. Specialist program, but what you might not know is that by the 4th week into the program I realized that I hated it... then I made arrangements to apply to Higher Education Administration Master's Program (I would like to be a Dean of Students some day). I applied to Florida State University (one of the highest ranked in the nation) and to University of Tennessee as a back-up school. A week after turning in my FSU application I found out that I was accepted into their program (a few days later UT told me they'd waitlist me, but who cares...their program isn't ranked).

Visiting FSU
I drove to Tallahassee this past Sunday (yes, 6hrs) for FSU's Higher Ed. Visiting Days to see what FSU and it's people were like and to interview for assisstantships for the coming year(s). I got there on Sunday around 4:30pm and was almost immediately plunged into this reception with prospective students, professors and employers (who would be interviewing us the following day)... Needless to say, after driving 6hrs alone in the rain (safely thank God) I was not trying to be social and sell myself to any of the employers there or to the other prospective students so I chilled, ate my food, stepped out to talk to my fam on the phone... all the complete opposite of what I should have been trying to do, but I have to be me. I hate meeting people and trying to 'act' bubbly because I'm actually tired and need a second to get myself back together, like at that reception. But anyways, my host was great she was ready to leave when I was and was prepared to answer any questions I had for her... since I was interviewing at 8:30 the next morning. Monday was stressful as crap, I was scheduled for 7 half-hour interviews with various Student Affairs employees for Assistantships (to gain experience and have school paid for) so this was a big deal. I had to be on point, so I had on my 'lucky' wide pants (not so lucky cuz the last two times I've worn them with the shoes I had on I've either tripped or almost tripped), my new suit coat and my silky red shirt with my fleur de lis earrings and fleur de lis necklace on... with my fleur de lis wrist tatt safely tucked under my long sleeved shirt :) Anyways, the first interview went crappily. It was for a position with housing, so I didn't really care that much because if they offered me a position I'd be hard pressed to take it. At the same time I was like, Wow, is this interview going to set the tone for the rest of the day? I wanted to go sit in a corner and cry somewhere. It was like, Ok, this is your life... you are failing at your life. My phone was dying so I was only able to talk to Mom and my Mentor for like 2 seconds apiece. I had to pull it back together so I asked God to help me... last night I asked the Holy Spirit to go before me and set things up. The next 5 interviews went great (I cancelled one of them). One lady even broke formality and asked me about my fleur de lis, since I had so many on...I didn't show her the tatt though. On about 2 or 3 of the 6 interviews I really felt like the positions were a good fit for me and I vibed quite well with my interviewers. If anything was clear it was that I pretty much knew I had chosen the right kind of Master's Program this time around. I'm excited about the Fall... After the interviews I tripped across the street in front of everyone on my way to the bookstore but I managed to play it off and actually not feel embarassed about it, which was cool... I did laugh at myself though, and I saw some sistas laughing. That was ok, because if I were them I would have laughed at me all professional looking, yet about to be sprawled out in the middle of the street at a busy intersection. As soon as interviews were over, I went back to my host's house, got dressed, gassed up Dusty (my car) and started back to ATL about 24hrs after I had arrived there.


~Closer~
All I did was drive and think, drive and think some more while scanning stations. All I could think about was that I was glad the weekend was over, and I felt like I had accomplished something all by myself (with God of course) and that made me feel good. However, the closer I got to ATL I started thinking about how I didn't have anyone to come home to, didn't really have that physical companion/advocate that I've been hoping on hope for a while would come along...soon. No, I'd just be returning to my empty apartment, Me, Myself, and God and I prayed that in the near future I could be ok with that, content with my situation enough to not even think about my situation but just to accept it for what it is, where I'm at now. I also knew that maybe that day, that moment, wasn't my moment for that but that I'd would come. A few hours outside of Tallahassee, a familiar song came on: "Closer" by Goapele, actually one of my favorite songs. Here are the lyrics:

"Closer" ~Goapele

Closer to my dreams
It's coming over me

I'm gettin' higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm getting higher and higher
Feel it in my sleep

Some times it feels like I'll never go pass here
Some times it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever

But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm goin' higher and higher
I can almost reach

Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being
Close your eyes and see what you believe

I'm happy as long as we're apart
Then I'm moving on to my dreams

I'll be moving higher (Moving higher)
Closer to my dreams
And higher and higher, higher
Feel it in my being (I can feel it flow around me)
I know that I could not go alone (No, no)

I'm moving higher (Higher), oh...
I'm going higher and higher and higher (Higher and
Higher)
Closer to my dreams (Higher and higher, oh...oh...)
I'm moving upward and onward and beyond all I can see
(Stretching out my arms so I can reach)

Feels so close it's like i can just reach
I can feel my dreams (Closer to my dreams)
I'm moving closer to my dreams
I'm moving (Higher and higher) higher and higher
(Higher and higher)
Moving higher, oh...

Some times it feels like you never gon'change (Never gon'change)
But you never choose to walk away

***end of lyrics***

Then it dawned on me that I was actually moving closer to my dreams and looking my fears dead in the eye, my fear of always being single (which I translate as 'alone' but really it isn't), my fear of stepping out to the front and taking the reigns leading undergraduates as a graduate student. A lot of those positions I interviewed for sounded semi-scary like stuff I knew I could probably do if I tried but it would take a few HUGE steps out of my comfort zone. Hell, driving to Tallahassee all by my damn self and back the following day after all that stress was a step outside of my comfort bubble. I really did burst through some of the chains that I allow to limit my abilities and my potential. My mom says she's so proud of me and I tell her that I did it because I knew I had to, but I forget that some people aren't blessed with such support and vision and that knowing sense of "I have to do this to get to where I want to be."

~The Road to Contentment~
For a moment there I was actually content with where I was, singing my song, in my car alone, on my way to my empty apartment, with my phone that rarely rings. I can see myself becoming the girl that no longer buys into the fairytale of 'finding that someone.' Yeah, deep down inside, hope hasn't completely died out, but like Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." and when hope in finding that someone has been deferred for you as many times as it has been for me it really is like "Why hope anymore?" so I try not to think about it and keep busy (I also refuse to watch Romance or Romantic Comedies), trying to learn to hope only in Jesus, but also have faith in His plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). It's just that I can't help but feel most of the time that the whole me+guy+God relationship thing is a dream that I'll never get 'closer' to and it hurts to even consider it positively or negatively. I'm tired of caring about it. I wish I didn't care that I'm usually alone and that I frequently 'take myself' to places to see performances and out to eat. So yep, that's what 23 looks like for me: Triumphant on the professional side, making progress on the God side (even though I didn't talk much at all about our relationship), and confronted with the reality of being me and still getting acquainted with my own company and, by the grace of God, daily getting closer to being 'ok' with that... yes, some day I know I'll feel ok about it. But for today I'll still cringe when happy-coupled people try to instill courage in me with their "You'll meet him someday. I met Bob when I least expected it." That's the kind of stuff I used to tell people when I had a boyfriend, so I'm not trying to hear that. That does nothing to change the fact that I am the person who keeps me company and that's only going to intensify when I move to Florida in a couple of months, and I'm praying to God that I'll be ready for that when that time gets here... I guess He's preparing me now.

~Bittersweet~
But yeah, that's me... that's where I am today fighting to remind myself how blessed I am and how God seems to be ordering my steps so far. So forgive me if I don't dress up or seem too excited when you wish me Happy Birthday and ask me about the plans that I purposely did not make today ( I did make some for tomorrow though). It's just another birthday, Thank you Jesus I made it... but on the other hand, whoopty freaking do, don't remind me. I guess, in short, it's just...b i t t e r s w e e t, and, just like I don't feel the need to impress anyone with my permed hair anymore, I don't feel the need to sugarcoat it with well-meaning, heart-unfelt dialogue on how fabulous today is.


~Thank You~
For all of you who genuinely care about me, I promise that even though I just wrote a long, conflicted, highly cynical-yet-realistic message about how I feel like my birthday sucks, I'm ok. It's nice to know that I'm loved and am blessed to have people to love back.

I was so upset about a video that was shown in one of my Social and Cultural Education class that I had to walk out before it was over. I'm not upset that my teacher showed it, because I do believe it needed to be seen. It's just that I found it to be so sickening.

The video was about "Indian Boarding Schools" part of the Americanizing (Late 1800's early 1900's) of Native American children where they would get children from their tribes and send them to schools far from home in an effort to whitewash their native culture. Their hair was cut. They were not allowed to speak their tribal language or practice any of their customs. The idea was to 'civilize' these 'savages' and assimilate them into American culture. One thing that pisses me off is that Native Americans were here first and they did not ask these Europeans for admittance into their society. It was nauseating to see these children forced to dis-identify with their culture in order to be American, so that the 'paleface' could limit or eliminate the 'threat' of Native Americans. I was sitting there like what the hell? but what really got me was my further consideration of things.

The Europeans did this to the Native Americans, and (along with the Trail of Tears) it resulted in the disappearance of many tribes and drastic reduction of other Native American nations. What further pisses me off is that Blacks were not thought of highly enough to be considered as a threat and God forbid that the United States back then would have made it National policy to educate 'the Negro', to put a book in his hand, to lift the shackles of ignorance. No, we 'Negroes' were considered monkeys, less than people. On the one hand I am deeply upset at what America's past and human sin and ignorance has done to Native Americans. On the other hand I can't help but observe that they still HAVE a culture. They had culture before the 'paleface' tried to take it away, even though now their culture is also mixed with discrimination, oppression and wrongs against them. As far as African Americans are concerned, the greater part of our culture has been formed completely in reaction to all of the discrimination and oppression we've faced and that still reverberates through the generations of many families today who are still impoverished, uneducated, fatherless and can't even IMAGINE a better life let alone think its possible. I mean, African America is still trying to grasp and hold on to a culture... look at the state of Hip Hop today. Ooh I wanna write more but I have to go.

So last night I went to the grocery store (to make sure I had food in case we did have a big ice storm) and that was all cool, but then when I got home I absolutely resented the fact that I was alone. I hate coming home to an empty space, but usually I don't resent it. I guess the fact that I was in the store grocery shopping with a lot of couples reminded me that I'm coming up on another solo Valentine's Day. I know that Valentine's Day shouldn't really mean anything to me. It was made big by the greeting card/gift industry and stuff, so it only means something if you ascribe meaning to it. However, my rational side almost completely gave way to my ultra-typically female desires to be rescued by prince charming... fairytales don't come true though. I don't say that to mean that I won't meet some awesome man, fall in love and decide to build a life with him. I mean that no person can or will ever be my end-all be-all, healing balm for all my hurts or easing of all my fears. You can't place that much into a person and love is not about you, it's about the other person.

Maybe if I had seen that the first few times down romance avenue I wouldn't be on this detour right now. Don't get me wrong, this detour has clearly been purposefully placed for me to grow a LOT as a person and potential love(r).. it's just that sometimes it sucks. I get tired of taking myself to places most or all of the time. Since I was little I've always loved to be around people, and why should now be that much different? Also right now I'm facing the adult reality that sometimes you start having drastically different schedules and interests as your friends (well, starting lineup of friends, the core homies) and you all become busy and with limited freetime your priorities and willingness to spend your freetime doing something you're not interested in is just not there so much anymore. I find myself partaking (still) in activities I wouldn't have initially chosen for the sake of not having to spend the entire weekend in isolation (with the exception of church). This may sound weird, but I have taken a liking to my own company as well . It's just that you get tired of being around the same person all the time (lol). Hell has frozen over and I've started reading again, which is good since my readings for classes aren't particularly enlightening.

I'm missing that whole companionship factor. Those of you who know (a little bit about) me have gathered that I'm a Christian or profess to be such. I understand that the (easy) Christian prescribed answer to my problem of not having a companion would be to discover "What A Friend I Have in Jesus" but in order to do this I have to be at the place where I'm thirsting for God and in order to do that He must give me this thirst, which He has begun to do since I've been asking almost diligently...along with listening to the bible on CD and reading books by Christian authors, which points me to the Bible as well. Clearly I'm not diligent enough about it though, because, to be real, sometimes I feel like I could really drop this and procure a man :) That's characteristic of the natural condition of our human hearts, to desire everything BUT God. I could sit up here and say all I want is Jesus, but in my heart I know I have to fight to maintain and grow that desire by His grace. For me, it's been a hard road.

I've been saying 'fabulous' a lot lately and using it to describe how I'm feeling. I'm just sooooo excited. Man, I have to go to class now. More later...

like tomorrow.

Why do we (people) hold grudges and keep a record of stuff that certain people have done against us, or of stuff that people didn't really do to us but we associate them with anyway? Like, why because I'm linked to a situation that hurtful to you do you have to all of a sudden do the whole 'fake "Hi"' thing and smile because you feel like you're obligated t do so? Don't fake smile at me, I'm no longer in the business of faking smiles... you should quit too, it's liberating. This is a twisted world where many of us, most of us are walking around with these huge debilitating emotional scars that are at best hidden from eye of people who are at least making the effort to see them. Sadly, a lot of us don't even know we're hurting... that's scary, but to add insult to injury... we continually lash at each other in various ways, like "I'm hurting, so I don't want ol' girl to be happy." I wish we could all cut the crap and stop hiding behind these shrouds of pride that we nurse, having to remind ourselves every second of every day, 'I'm worth it, because I'm a good person, because I have all these things, because I can do this, because I'm better than they are."... when really we could be so much more if we didn't buy into the dog-eat-dog mentality of popular culture. I wonder why we have to spend so much time competing against, rather than loving, other people. I wonder why I've been hurt so much that I have to continually check my attitudes and actions for fear that I might become that 'angry black woman' that everyone has talked about, might know, but doesn't want to become. I just think, would it be so hard for you (some men) to just let down your guard, stop the games and love, and be loved. Why does it have to be a conquest, like divide, conquer and hurt? AHHHH! I used to wear my baby diamond ring on my left finger as a commitment to myself to not date for a while after my last boyfriend, but now I wear it for fear. I'm afraid that if I encounter more of the BS and get hurt one more time in the same way, I will become that angry, bitter woman and I'm not trying to be her, Lord help me.

On a lighter note, I had a fabulous day... I just wish it wasn't so cold.

Yes, I had a significant other for a few hours last night... unfortunately it was only on camera. The significant thing about it though was that I reached some necessary realizations about life, about my life, about God's plan for me, about patience... You could say I had and epiphany...

We drove out to North Georgia to film an iMovie. I was playing someone's girlfriend in the film, which was weird for me having been single for quite a while, but cool. My co-star dude was cool as hell, personality off the chain and that made filming life so much easier... being that this was my acting debut (and probably the fall of my career at the same time, lol). Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I stayed up all night, yep... I still have not slept... anyways though... I thought a lot during my allnighter. I feel like I gained perspective on the whole relationship thing, finally. Last night on the way to the mountains I was thinking about patience and how I need some in this whole significant-other-acquiring deal, but at that point it felt more like a distant notion. However, this morning as the sun was rising over I-575 as we all headed back to the city it hit me like, 'Wow, I know so many cool guys that it's nice to be single sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time." The single life if spent wisely and treasured really is a beautiful thing. I can just up and randomly play girlfriend to a beautiful, cool dude with no worries and just have fun and just be me, as I'm continually figuring out who she is through such experiences. I like having roots and a place to rest but it's nice right now to just be able to pick up and do whatever (almost) not having to answer to anyone but God.... not that I'm being destructive. It's just nice to be free of wifely and girlfriendly pressures and duties and expectations and emotions. Also, I'm thinking if God is letting me keep all of these cool guys for friends, then I KNOW he's got an awesome man planned for me to meet (or maybe we've already met) and get together eventually in His perfectly Divine timing. I just need to walk in the patience and keep faith and hope in the revealing of His plan for my life. So what's the point in stressing over where I am right now. I'd do right to enjoy every moment so that I won't end up a middleaged wife who feels like she needs to revisit her 20's and pick up something she missed or let go of too quickly... or be that girlfriend who pressures her man to propose when he's not ready to be on that tip. I thank God that I can finally see that now.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

So... I've read this pair of verses quite a few times before, but I never seriously considered the application beyond surface Christianity until today. For me, these verses (and their context Galatians 5) have two specific implications for my life. They are (and I hope this does not oversimplify things): (1) Seeing these fruits in my walk with God and in my day-to-day experiences/actions will show me whether or not I am led by the Spirit (a gift of God, not merely my own decision or efforts)... or giving in to the sinful nature (You're probably saying 'duh') (2) If I want to discern... by the grace of God... a person or situation to see if they are of God (or at least consistent with who they claim to be) I can scroll down the fruit of the Spirit checklist regarding the specific situation outwardly and what the Spirit is telling me inwardly (like a sixth sense). The latter of the two is probably the most meaningful to me at this moment in my life, however. I look at the fruit of the Spirit and I can apply it to current practical situations: relationship, school, career outlook. Then I can sift each situation through the fruit of the Spirit specifications, like am I patiently waiting/relying on God to provide me with Mr. Tailored-for-Me or am I frustrated and mad about being expected to patient? Why did I choose to re-apply to graduate school in the places I did?... What will my final decision be based on (provided I'm accepted to both)?... Thinking about my career situation would follow similar questioning, but overall discerning these things involves more than questioning. Asking a simple question provides initial on-the-spot screening but I think we really should ask the Holy Spirit to reveal dimensions of whatever or whomever we're dealing with that we can only see through spiritual sight.

But yeah, I could go on and on about that... I just wanted to share what I saw.

So today I log on to see if my FSU application is complete and I see that they have received my GSU transcript, but not my GT transcript and I sent them in the same envelope so I had to call up there... After being on hold for a long time, they tracked my transcript down...along with GRE scores (even though they aren't official). I don't know why I let myself worry so much as if God hasn't had my back so far. Even when I sometimes feel like He's 'messed me up' I can look back on it later and see part of the purpose. I mean, I'm going through things right now...those of you who know me know that... and honestly I do feel a little neglected in one facet of my life, but in the back of my heart I still feel on some levels like He's rooting for me and has things all under control. I guess my primary frustration with that is God's timing, eternally it's perfect but from a human standpoint it seems like forever and I wonder when my happily ever after is going to begin but then I am reminding that it started when Jesus was on the cross and said "It is finished!" That exclamation became the period at the end of my sentence, the death sentence I was doomed to serve and all there was left for me to do was believe it, accept it, and walk in it. But still... frustration is real, and so is lonliness and discontent, so I've been praying to be content with where I am in life and with who God is. I want to be ok with the idea that God is all I have, because in reality, He is. He's the only entity that I can't shake or lose, or that won't be shady and disppear on me, or get so mad at me that He drops out of the picture or hold a grudge... though I understand that I can do things to be distanced from Him, He'll never drop out of the picture. He can handle the realness, the real imperfect me without running off like a scared bunny. That's comforting, but is that enough?

For some reason I love the last track on Jay-Z's new album. It must be the contemplative, somber element of it... kinda like lost one, but moreso. I've been looking at my life now in comparison to last semester, last month even and I'm like wow. I have a brand new sense of focus, more drive and I feel refreshed. I'm ready to be a straight A student again... instead of a slacker (I haven't felt like that since 10th grade)...

gotta run, more later